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Abstract

Oh what an adventure this assignment was. Most of my peers seemed to have fun doing this assignment; I mean what’s not fun about learning about and interviewing someone from a different culture or with a different viewpoint? Unfortunately for me, there was nothing enjoyable about my experience. I interviewed a man named “Alex”, who is a vile, abusive, and self-pitying monster. Throughout the interview, he showcased his beliefs on gender equality, familial abuse, child marriage, domestic abuse, and so on. To put it bluntly; my paper is filled with horror stories and accounts of this man’s life and I would not recommend anyone who has suffered the previously mentioned traumas to read this paper. I’ve also included a transcript of my interview with “Alex” for those who are curious about how my experience went.

The Present Future

Today I met what I might have been. Alex is an older gentleman (47) who was born and raised in India. He had tired yet focused eyes, as if the present moment did not matter but he would still be aware of it regardless. He had a very thin build and a large nose. His face sort of resembled my fathers, but most South-Asian people have dark brown skin and larger noses so this was nothing special. Despite his age he still had a full head of dark black hair, something pretty rare for older desi men. We decided to meet in a park. The view was beautiful, there were children running around, parents conversing among themselves, trees everywhere, and every now and then you would see a flock of birds go over you. The table we sat at was one of those old rock ones that had a chess board engraved into them, it looked old and worn out but had a rustic charm to it. Alex migrated to America at the young age of 14 and is very close to his home country’s culture and ideologies. Alex was raised within a small village, his family had wealth but had never thought about immigrating until his older sister turned 16. They had found an engagement with another Indian family from America. Their move to America was a tedious one but nonetheless they went through with it.

Even though the interview was meant for Alex, I wanted to know more about his sister. He informed that she was married to a man in his late 30s and safe to say, she had no decision in her marriage. I made the assumption that her denying the engagement would have led her to being exiled from the family, however, the reality was far more severe. With a neutral and almost jovial face, he informed me that her rejection towards any marriage proposed to her would have led to either severe beatings, or an execution. I questioned him further, would he have been alright with this? Was his sister’s life worth less than familial relationships with a completely different family? The short answer was yes. The long and uncomfortable was, “in my culture men and women are investments. It is a man’s job to provide no matter what, you provide for everyone, even if it means you cannot provide for yourself, this is a man’s responsibility. A woman’s responsibility is to marry young, you marry young and through your marriage, your family thrives.” At this point I just stared at this man, part of me wanted to hurt him, part of me felt detached from the conversation. “What if the woman in your scenario is being viciously beaten, raped by her husband’s brother, forced into servitude and abused, what if she was in the worst scenario possible, would it be justified for her to want to leave the marriage?” He responded with a quick, “her feelings would be justified, but not her actions.” For the next couple moments all there was, was silence. I could hear chirping and light swishes from the wind moving the trees. The laughter of children was feint but still there. When I zoned back in, I just felt rage. Nothing more and nothing less, just anger. It felt as if he was mocking me or purposely trying to not understand my point. I kept repeating “it is what it is” to myself until my nerves cooled.

An interesting thing about Alex is that he has 4 children, three boys and one young daughter, however they don’t speak to him anymore. He informed me that he had his boys very young and his daughter only around a decade ago. Without exposing too much of his life, he wasn’t the best husband or the best father. His children left him to escape his abuse, and he couldn’t go to the police because his extended family would ridicule him. He claimed that they “abandoned” him and when I responded with “what if they actually just escaped you?” he became angry and told me I did not understand any of what I was talking about. I changed the subject and questioned why he was abusive towards his wife. He informed me that he never wanted to get married and that he brought that rage into his relationship. I smugly stated that “if that’s the case, why don’t you blame your parents for your situation, or better, the culture you grew up in” to which he had no answer.

The sad reality is that I relate to Alex in so many ways. My father was exactly the same as him. He beat my mother and me and claimed that I wasn’t his child. He also stated that by the time I was 18, that I would need to work and provide for the family so that he could retire. I am very glad that he died of lung cancer when I was 11. He truthfully was a kind man that turned vicious due to the culture that he was born into. He was a powerful man, weathered down by his extended family’s words. He was a compassionate man, turned monster by the regrets of not choosing his life. My mother is no different. She arranged my marriage and manipulated me into accepting it when I was 14. I am currently “engaged” but have no plan on going through with the marriage unless I actually want to do it. She also expected me to pay her money the moment I got a job and threatened to kick me out of her home if I didn’t. Normally, I would be more than willing to help out, however, she wanted me to pay ALL her bills while also paying mine and my brothers while also continuing to do the household chores. I made it very clear that I have enough money to move out and won’t tolerate her bullshit, which is what made her stop.

She didn’t stop out of fear of losing her son. Her son that took care of the house and his infant brother for the last decade, her son that didn’t hang out with anyone or spend any money on himself just to keep her pockets comfortable. She cared about the embarrassment that would come from her family, if she let her “investment” get away. To put everything into perspective, growing up in this individualistic society gave me the knowledge that has prevented me from turning into my father and continuing the cycle. The cycle of abuse and regret that forms within our culture. You don’t need to take my word for it, there is a reason that a lot of first generation south asian people are leaving their families nowadays.

Alex views family as everything he wants, and embarrassment as everything he wants to avoid. All his decisions are based on if it would benefit his entire family, not just him or his direct family, along with if they would cause embarrassment. One of the final questions I asked him was what exactly led his children away from him. He made up some dumbass excuse about how he wouldn’t let his son play piano because thats a “fags” job and how he wanted his 13 year old daughter to get married into his brothers family. You didn’t read that wrong, apparently marrying your direct cousin doesn’t count as incest according to his views. I concluded the interview rather bluntly, I needed to make sure that he understood everything he was saying to me. so I asked a rather rhetorical question, “I believe that individualistic societies have all the benefits of collectivist societies, while also removing a lot of the negatives about them, do you agree with this statement?” I expected him to say NO, but his response genuinely baffled me. He completely agreed, but wouldn’t change his ways out of fear of losing his familial ties. From his perspective, he had already lost everything, his children, his wife’s love, his youth. All he had left was the people that pushed him down the road he took. I told him it’s never too late to change one’s life. He said I was too young to understand, maybe he is right, but my road wasn’t going to be littered with regret like his is. The worst part about the whole interview was that he blamed his extended family and his direct family, he had no accountability for himself, perhaps that is why he couldn’t bear to accept any blame. As I left the park and stepped back into the city, I took one more look around. The Park was still beautiful, it remained unchanged as if all the nonsense that came out of Alex’s mouth had no control over it. I decided to not let what Alex said have control over me either. The world is a heavy place, filled with hate and lined with shit, the least I can do is keep my corner clean. I can’t become alex, I won’t become alex.

Transcript

NOTE: Introduction’s/Goodbyes/Specific info that I have not used has been removed from this transcript due to one of two reasons. Reason one being that it is not necessary such as a hello or goodbye. Reason two being the content is too hateful and serves no purpose other than instigating feelings of emotional distress.

 

Zeeshan Sajjad- Z

“Alex”- A

 

Z: “Where are you from?”

A: “My country or here?”

Z: “Your home country.”

A: “India but I travelled between Pakistan and Bangladesh aswell.”

Z: “Were you raised in a city or just a normal village?”

A: “A normal village, it wasn’t too far from the city but we never needed to go there besides uhh medicine and death you understand.”

Z: “I get it, I thought you were a city boy because you said you travelled between countries, was it cheap back then or did you do it by animal?”

A: “My family was very wealthy back home, we only stayed in the village because all our family lived here and my father never wanted to leave. My mother did but they never decided to move.”

Z: “Do they still live in the village?”

A: “No they live here now with me.”

Z: “They didn’t want to leave the village but came all the way to the States (light laughter).”

A: “Yes it is strange but they had their reason, my older sister found an engagement here and my family decided to unite both families.”

Z: “She found the engagement?”

A: “No I’m sorry my father found it. She accepted it.”

Z: “Was she happy with it or?”

A: “It was arranged, she did not really want to but you understand how it goes.”

Z: “More than I wish I did, nonetheless she would have been exiled if she rejected it correct?”

A: “No, we don’t let our daughters leave, the world is hard for them. She would have been forced into it and convinced.”

Z: “How would she have been convinced? By money or promises or something?”

A: “Come on you know how it is.”

Z: “I just need it for the interview paper that’s why.”

A: “She would have been disciplined-”

Z: “Beaten or disciplined.”

A: “They are one in the same, if she continued to reject the marriage then she might have been killed. My father needed honor and respect. He was a very strong man.”

Z: “How old were you when this happened?”

A: “Maybe 14 or 16, it was long time ago.”

Z: “Would you have been alright with your sister getting hurt or murdered?”

A: “Listen, in our culture okay, men and women are investments. It is a man’s job to provide no matter what, you provide for everyone, even if it means you cannot provide for yourself, this is a man’s responsibility. A woman’s responsibility is to marry young, you marry young and through your marriage, your family thrives.”

Z: “That’s bullshit, what if the woman in your scenario is being viciously beaten, raped by her husband’s brother, forced into servitude and abused, what if she was in the worst scenario possible, would it be justified for her to want to leave the marriage?”

A: “Oh baba ee kaba be nei honda.” (Oh child this never happens.)

Z: “English moving forward please, but let’s say it did happen, then what?”

A: “Her feelings would be justified, but not her actions. Do you know how shameful it is for a daughter to leave, your family will be shunned until she is returned.”

Z: “Until she returns or is returned?”

A: “She will be convinced to return or will be returned.”

Alex elaborated on some of the abuse his sister faced in her marriage. To put it bluntly, he eluded to her attempting suicide. This is why I did not include this section of the interview.

 Z: “Was your marriage also arranged or was it a love marriage.”

A: “Arranged when I turned 19.”

Z: “For what purpose.”

A: “My parents wanted grandchildren and a male heir.”

Z: “You married someone so that your parents could have grand children?”

A: “It is ones duty to listen to their parents, how do you not know this.”

Z: “Yeah its called filial piety and was created by Confucius. Was your marriage a happy one?”

A: “It was ok, I fought with her a lot but she did her duty as a wife.”

Z: “What duty is that.”

A: “Giving me children and her duties.”

Z: “From what I understand, you were very physically and verbally abusive towards her were you not. To the point she called the police on you.”

A: “It is normal, I forgave her for doing what she did.”

Z: “You did those things in front of your children. Your son told me that’s the reason why he left. Your youngest son told me that’s the reason he took his sister when he left.”

A: “They left for their own reason, he acted as a fag you know, piano and dancing and garbage. Haram zada (basically calling someone a sinner/demon). My daughter left because she didn’t want to marry, if he hadn’t taken her she would have learned that it was ok.”

Z: “The man was 17 and she was 13. The fucks wrong with you, they were cousins too, where in the quran does it say to lay with your blood.”

A: “They were cousins, not blood fool, and mere lal gal aram se ker sale (speak calmly to me bastard). Uno ne muje chor dia theek hai wo sare dozak jai gei (they all abandoned me and will all go to hell for it.)”

Z: “Maybe they just escaped you? You also said your marriage was horrible, if that’s the case, why don’t you blame your parents for your situation, or better, the culture you grew up in?”

A: “-”

Z: “Why didn’t you call the police when your children left, your youngest son and daughter were still minors then.”

A: “Calling the police on my own children, my relatives would shun me, that is shameful.”

Z: “You care more about how your relatives see you then you care about how happy and safe your family is.”

A: “You should understand baba, hum same jaga se heigh (we are from the same place).”

Z: “Last question, I believe that individualistic societies have all the benefits of collectivist societies, while also removing a lot of the negatives about them, do you agree with this statement?”

A: “Yes that is true mostly.”

Z: “What the fuck, thats the exact opposite of half the shit you’ve said today.”

A: “Speak with respect-”

Z: “The interviews over I don’t care if you leave but why?”

A: “Listen baba, living here taught me to be better but its too late now. My wife and I do not speak much, my children have abandoned me, and I am old now. I hate my parents for what they made me do, but all I can do now is wait.”

Z: “You can always change, Saul told me he misses you but won’t come back until you change.”

A: “It is his fault he misses me, and you are too young to understand how hard this is for me.”

The only other part that has been removed from this interview besides his descriptions of his sister’s marriage and our greetings/goodbyes are some of the storys he told about his children. Some were very personal and some were very abusive. One of the tamest things he said was that he knew his daughter would be a whore if he didn’t get her a husband young. I don’t know how someone could see their own daughter in that light. I spoke to Saul later, one of Alex’s sons, and he told me that while his mother was abused as well, she was just as bad as Alex. I completely understand if I lose points for not transcribing everything, but that’s something that I am willing to sacrifice in exchange for not including some of the things he said.